Parenting Matters
Written by Rebecca Unger, MD
Dana Hirt, a parenting coach (danahirtparenting@gmail.com) came to our Brown Bag Lunch Chat series on November 6, 2015 to talk about Intentional Parenting. We discussed how it is never too early to talk and share ideas about making mindful decisions based on your values and what kind of parent you want to be. It is advisable to start using intentional parenting techniques when your children are young so you can establish healthy connections from the start. How young is young? Similar to establishing healthy feeding and sleeping patterns during infancy, knowing how to be a mindful parent from the start can help you care for your children and yourself in a healthful and thoughtful way.
Dana talked about three techniques to help care for your children and yourselves:
Parent vs Person Dynamic: We need to care for ourselves while we are caring for our children. Be aware of your needs as a parent and as a person. Ask yourself how you can feel supported and empowered to take care of your children’s needs while you are also paying attention to your own needs. Dana reminded us, “You can’t take care of yourself at the expense of your children, and you can’t take care of your children at the expense of yourself.”
Honesty: Regulated and Modulated: The approach to providing information to your child should be developmentally appropriate. When your child asks a question, you might ask your child about what he/she is looking to know.
What You Do Matters: Children watch what we do more effectively than what we say. It is important to help our children be resilient and give them skills to navigate their way. There is a balance between being there to support your children and helping them learn to solve problems on their own.
Dana reminded us of some advice from Ralph Waldo Emerson:
“What you do speaks so loudly that I can’t hear what you say.”
What does this mean for our parenting strategies? Here are some practical ideas for parents of children of all ages:
Think about the kind of parent you want to be. Talk to other parents whom you admire about what works and what does not work.
Help your child join “The Golden Rule Club”. Encourage kindness inside and outside of your family home. Be a role model and also give specific feedback to help your children understand your expectations and priorities.
Do not be afraid to set limits and routines. The structure can feel helpful to your family.
It is important to listen to your children’s ideas and facilitate open communication. As your children get older, they might know better than you do when the family rules might be changed. Of course, parents have the final word!
Share your thoughts. Be a role model for your children to say what is on your mind when it is developmentally appropriate.
Pick your battles with your child. Stay calm when discussing issues. This will help your child learn to do the same.
Spend time with your child. Facilitate what your child likes to do. If your child likes to see the zebras at the zoo…go to the zoo, read books together about zebras, draw pictures of zebras. You do not have to spend equal time with each child as they will have different needs at different times.
Understand that you do not have to make it to every soccer game. It is helpful for your child to observe that you prioritize for yourself at times….your work, your health, your fitness. It is an important balancing act to take care of yourself while taking care of your family.
Unplug at mealtimes. Focus on interesting conversation during your family meals. Do not ask, “How was your day?”. Ask more focused and thoughtful questions such as:
What made you laugh today?
What interesting questions did you hear people ask today?
What was the best part of your day? What was the worst?
What could you have done better today?
Be sure to share aspects of your day with your child/ren. This helps remind us of the parent vs person conversation and models interactive relationships for our children.
Hold on tight! The custodial parenting years fly by quickly. By planting the seeds of resilience and developmentally appropriate self-agency, you will optimize the launching of kind, strong, and thoughtful individuals.